ם Things I Saw Today…
Rachel Ray and LL Cool J playing strip air hockey.
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• All posts tagged with "entertainment"
ם Employee of the Month
Last night, I went to a (free) advanced screening of Employee of the Month, the latest piece-of-shit blockbuster soon to hit theaters starring Dane Cook (has always sucked, but sucked in this too), Jessica Simpson (sucked), and Dax Shepard (sucked). All in all, good for a few cheap laughs, but definitely not worth the ticket price, and my ticket was free. 
But I write this post with a purpose. In the movie, Jessica Simpson’s Jungian archetype would be that of “the whore.” She’s the romantic interest all the guys are after because she’ll sleep with anything. Her debut is a slow motion walk, with the camera deliberately tightly framed on her breasts bouncing and spilling out of her shirt, and notably, her visibly erect nipples that are in almost every shot that she’s in. I’m not talking about a subtle flash here, they are obviously accentuated and prominently displayed througout the entire movie.
“Okay,” you say. “Big deal, sex sells.”
True. But all this monetary talk, of course, naturally brings us to the movie’s producer. That’s right, the infamous Joe Simpson. Her father.
This is the same man that said of daughter Jessica: “She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she’s sexy in both. She’s got double Ds! You can’t cover those suckers up! (MSNBC)”
The same man who approved the photoshoot of his daughter on a bed in just her underwear with a man undressing, only to have it nixed in the eleventh hour by her mother who said it was too “slutty” (same MSNBC article).
The same man who, to capitalize on his daughters, became a paparazzo and as their manager only approves his own images for distribution. So when you saw those pictures of Jessica leaving a nightclub in a see-through top last month (not posted here to retain some semblance of decency), they were probably taken (and sold) by her dad.
Hell, it’s this guy.
So here’s to Joe Simpson, my nominee for Creepiest Dad of the Year.
ם The Brandon Bonfiglio Edition
Brandon Bonfiglio is a dear, dear friend of mine. He also produces music videos. Last night, he won a MTV VMA for Video of the Year! Congrats, Brandon!
More importantly: I get to play with a moonman!
But that’s not where the fun ends with Brandon. He’s been in New York all week because of the VMAs (he lives in LA), so we’ve been hanging out. Note, however, that Brandon looks eerily like Ryan Reynolds, star of flops cinematic gold such as Van Wilder, Blade: Trinity, The Amityville Horror, and Just Friends.
Don’t believe me? See for yourself:
Brandon Bonfiglio, Ryan Reynolds.
Brandon Bonfiglio, Ryan Reynolds.
Ryan Reynolds, Brandon Bonfiglio.
Well, Tuesday night, after a nice dinner of “N3″ at a Burmese restaurant, we were at Doc Holiday’s, a bar in the East Village. While we were standing outside, a thoroughly inebriated 20-something girl with a thick accent recognized my dear friend Ryan Reynolds. She kept trying to take pictures of him, but Brandon kept deferring her to his “manager” to get permission. His “manager” just happened to be a bearded homeless man who was asking for change when she spotted him. Hilarity ensued, and she eventually left angry but pictureless. Apparently just another night for Brandon, who this happens to often.
Now, this would be all fine and well if it ended there. But today, while cruising Gawker, I saw that somebody had Gawker Stalker-ed Ryan Reynolds.
Ryan Reynolds
103 PRINCE ST
Aug 31st, 2006 @ 3pm
I saw Ryan Reynolds (dee-lish) in the SoHo Apple store. God is he tall and handsome, is he still engaged?
I immediately texted Brandon to find out where he was yesterday at 3pm, and sure as shit, he was at the SoHo Apple store. Fantastic.
So, just a note to you, Gawker, “tall and handsome” actor Ryan Reynolds wasn’t at the Apple store yesterday, it was “tall and handsome” VMA winning producer Brandon Bonfiglio.
ם Gettin’ Pissy-Pissy Sippin’… Krug Clos du Mesnil?
As I’m sure you’ve heard, Jay Z is boycotting Cristal champagne after the company’s director made some comments that the Young Hov felt were racist.
But life must go on, so Slate Magazine has offered Jay, arguably Bed-Stuy’s classiest MC, some recommendations for a replacement.
The name of the hip-hop champagne-elect must fit seamlessly into rap lyrics. Cristal certainly lends itself to this use. With its short Cris followed by that stressed tal, it is an iamb, one of the most common poetic feet in English verse, and its monosyllabic nickname (Cris) slips easily into the tightest rhymes, something that cannot be said of Taittinger, Bollinger, or Billecart-Salmon.
Thankfully they approached this from all angles—not just the obvious considerations such as “taste” and “unmistakable prestige”, but also the ever important “meter”.
ם Al Gore Is The New Hilary Duff
In case you haven’t heard, ex-vice-president-cum-movie-star Al Gore is totally “in this huge feud with Lindsay Lohan”.
Leno asked, “Can you tell us more about it?” to which Al replied, managing just the right petulant tone, “She knows what she did.”
Ah, if only he were this charming in 2000.
ם Is Lost a Repeat?
This is bound to become my kid sister’s new favorite website: Is Lost a Repeat?
The site is admittedly a bit complicated and hard to navigate, but it becomes second-nature rather quickly.
ם Cate Blanchett to Play… Bob Dylan?
Academy Award winner Cate Blanchett will be playing Bob Dylan in the upcoming biopic I’m Not There.
Weird.